


Icha Icha Jealousy: Naruto’s Stupid Genius Plan

by The_Uninspired



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Getting Together, Humor, Jealousy, M/M, Terrible Plans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 22:09:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17733575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Uninspired/pseuds/The_Uninspired
Summary: Sakura knew she could probably just ask Ino out and the girl would agree. Sasuke might throw a fireball in Naruto’s face if he asked first, but after a week to brood about it he’d agree too. But it was about the principle of the thing. Sakura and Naruto had spent years chasing after the beautiful people in their lives. This time those beautiful bastards were going to come after them.





	Icha Icha Jealousy: Naruto’s Stupid Genius Plan

“Naruto, that’s the worst plan I’ve ever heard.” Sakura said. “And I’ve spent years on a team with you.”

“Hey! My plan is great. All my plans are great.” Naruto glared across at her and tried to look offended. It might have been more convincing if there weren’t still noodles hanging out of his mouth. “It’s better than your plan anyway.”

“I didn’t have a plan.”

“Exactly.” Naruto slurped the noodles, spraying broth on Sakura’s face. She wiped it off with a scowl.

“I’m pretty sure this is the plot to one of sensei’s Icha Icha books.” She grumbled.

Naruto nodded. “Yeah, that’s where I got the idea. But luckily we won’t have to worry about accidentally falling in love like they do in the book even though we’re both bi ‘cause we’ve had years already to fall in love and it hasn’t happened yet.”

Naruto seemed quite proud of himself for thinking through that possible problem with the plan. As if that was the only problem Sakura could possibly have seen with his plan. As if he wasn’t suggesting the stupidest thing she’d ever heard of (which was impressive considering, once again, that she’d known Naruto for years).

Sakura must not be too bright herself though, because she felt her mouth open and say “Okay.”

“Really?” Naruto asked, like he too was surprised by her capitulation.

“Yes, dammit!” Sakura snapped. She took an angry bite of ramen and glared at her teammate. “It’s not like giving them time has helped.”

Sakura knew, of course, that she could probably just ask Ino out and the girl would enthusiastically agree after the minimal requisite teasing. Sasuke might throw a fireball through Naruto’s face if he asked first, but after a week to brood about it he’d probably agree too. But it was about the principle of the thing. Sakura and Naruto had spent years chasing after the beautiful people in their lives, trying to get their attention. This time, just this once, those beautiful bastards were going to come after them.

*******

After several days of reconnaissance, they identified the perfect location.

Most days Ino arrived at work a few hours after dawn. Relatively late in most ninja schedules, but T&I had more reason than most to work through the night, and so while their facilities were open 24/7 most administrative ninja arrived late in the morning.

At around that same time Sasuke was usually heading home from a grueling morning training session in the far west training fields. Not a common area to train due to poor maintenance and the long distance from the jounin district, but that made it perfect for the moody loner to practice his more destructive techniques.

Both of these commutes crossed through a small public garden with several old benches. About ten minutes before the earliest time Sakura and Naruto expected either of them to pass through, they arrived and claimed the most comfortable one.

“Alright, I’ll show you what we gotta do.” Naruto tucked his feet up on the bench and turned to face her.

“I know what kissing is.” Sakura crossed her arms. “I’m not a total virgin.”

Naruto rolled his eyes. “Well duh. But we’re not just kissing, right? We’re trying to make Sasuke and Ino super jealous because our kisses are awesome and they’re totally into us.”

“And?”

He huffed. “Clearly you haven’t read enough Icha Icha. It’s not about the actual kissing. Anyone can kiss. We gotta look super hot while doing it. It’s different.”

“I can’t believe this is what you got out of three years with the Toad Sage.” Sakura said. “Did you ever actually train? Or did you just edit his manuscripts while he spied on innocent women?”

“Hey! My education was well-rounded okay?” Naruto puffed up like a hen and pouted. “I had time to get super strong and learn all about romance.”

Sakura sighed. As much as she loathed admitting it, Naruto did probably know a lot more about this than she did. She’d spent her fair share of time at bars hooking up with other drunk singles, but that required a different type of skill set. This was more like ninja spywork than romance, like some kind of undercover human-engineering operation. But with kissing.

So Sakura sucked up her pride and let Uzumaki Naruto give her a lesson on kissing.

‘Hot kissing’ was, according to Naruto, almost the same as ‘un-hot kissing’, and Sakura got the hang of it pretty quickly. Mostly it involved not making any weird faces and being sure to position herself so that any innocent bystander could see their lips. The first few times kissing Naruto had her flushed with embarrassment and clenching her fists in her lap, but pretty soon the kissing seemed to reach some strange and professionally pleasant place. Sakura and Naruto were almost enjoying themselves (due in no small part to Naruto poking her at random intervals as she struggled not to laugh) by the time they spotted their first target.

Sakura closed her eyes and leaned closer as Naruto gave her the slowest, softest kiss she’d ever gotten before (an unfortunate fact Sakura tried not to think about too hard). She was ultra-aware of the crunches of footsteps on the gravel path, quiet at first and then louder and louder. Then they stopped just a few steps away. Sakura opened her eyes to see her best friend right in front of her with her hands on her hips.

“Ino!” She cried. Sakura scrambled back from Naruto and felt her cheeks burn. None of the embarrassment was put-on- it was as if seeing Ino in front of her had suddenly woken her up from whatever weird kissing dream she and Naruto had been having together, as she suddenly remembered that Ino was the impossibly hot girl she’d been crushing on for her most of her life. Sakura had to resist the urge to cover her face with her hands or just punch Naruto and run away.

Ino was staring at them, pale blue eyes blown out wide, genuinely shocked by what was happening in front of her. Sakura hadn’t ever seen her look so surprised.

“Hey Ino.” Naruto grinned cheekily. Then he put a hand on Sakura’s thigh and slowly licked his lips. “Didn’t see you there.”

Ino glared hard at Naruto. “I’m sure.” She drawled. Then she turned to Sakura, frowning just a little. “So, Forehead, finally decided to settle, have you?” Then she whipped around, platinum hair and long jacket flying out behind her, and stalked off.

“I’m a catch!” Naruto hollered after her. Then he turned back to Sakura, who was halfway to hyperventilating and starting to shake. “What’s wrong? That was perfect!”

“What about that was perfect?” Sakura wailed. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! How’d you talk me into this?”

Naruto rolled his eyes. “Don’t overreact. You wanted to make her jealous, right? Well, there you go. She’s definitely super jealous.”

“Jealous, or just horrified that her best friend is such a trollop?!” Sakura got up and scrubbed at her wet lips. “And this is Ino we’re talking about. This is going to reach Suna before lunch. Oh god!” She turned to leave (and go hide in a cave for at least ten years) but Naruto grabbed her wrist.

“Hey! We gotta do me next!”

Sakura reached back and smacked him. He yelped but didn’t let go, so she smacked him again. It took a couple more therapeutic whacks before he finally let go of her wrist to rub his shoulder.

“Owww.” Naruto moaned. “Why are you always so violent?”

Sakura sat back down next to him and ignored the probably rhetorical question. Naruto tried to say something else, but Sakura wasn’t sure she had it in her to resist slapping him again, so she shut him up by sticking her tongue in his mouth.

It was only a few more minutes of awkwardly making out before their second target arrived. Sakura wasn’t excited about having her genin crush run across her making out with Naruto, but it couldn’t be worse than what just happened. When Sasuke got within eyesight and Naruto tensed up, Sakura almost enjoyed his turn in the hot-seat.

She kept her eyes open this time, so she saw the moment that Sasuke realized what was happening. His eyes widened in shock for just an instant before his face twisted up in a scowl-and-glare combo that was impressive even by Uchiha standards. He clenched his fists and approached as fast as he could without breaking into an undignified sprint.

Sakura pulled back from Naruto once Sasuke was in front of them. She opened her mouth to say something smug and teasing like Naruto had to Ino, but Sasuke cut her off.

“Moron.” He snapped. Then he grabbed Naruto by the arm and tugged.

Naruto flailed as Sasuke drug him to his feet and kicked him hard in the shin. Then, without another word, Sasuke set off towards his apartment with a shouting Naruto pulled along behind him. Naruto barely had time to give her a thumbs-up behind his back before they disappeared.

Sakura wasn’t sure what she hated more: Naruto’s stupid plan or the fact that it had actually worked out for him.

*******

Sakura was still brooding when she left the hospital that night. She was tired, irritated, and more than a little angry at herself for being so childish. She was nearly twenty years old. She was hard-working and talented and proud of how far she’d come. But something about Ino made Sakura feel like she was still an academy student, like they were still bickering on the playground over who had the prettiest shoes. When Ino smiled at her she felt like that little crying girl being given a soft red ribbon and told she was beautiful for the first time. And when Ino didn’t smile at her, that was when she felt all of twelve again, her world shaken to the roots when she realized that for all of her good grades she’d been utterly left behind.

Sakura was glad when she finally reached her apartment. She could use a good long bath and maybe a bit of an indulgent cry for old times’ sake.

As soon as she opened the front door, however, she froze. Someone was in her apartment. The seals on the door hadn’t been broken, but they weren’t the best that money could buy, and any jounin with trap-breaking experience could get in if they really wanted to. Sakura drew a kunai and crept forward, prepared to fight.

Ino was lounging at her kitchen table, feet kicked up on the tabletop as she leaned a chair back on its hind legs. She was twirling a kunai on one perfectly painted finger.

Sakura shut the door behind her and hung up her coat. Ino was watching her kunai with a bland attention, obviously just pretending to ignore her. Sakura put her hands on her hips and drew herself up, but found that she wasn’t sure what to say. She was torn between demanding to know why Ino had broken into her apartment and desperately explaining herself.

In her infinite cruelty, Ino waited another tense minute to break the silence.

“I heard that Sasuke finally got Naruto into bed.” Ino said. She finally turned to face Sakura. Her eyes were sharp but bright and her painted lips twitched in a smile. “I’m going to assume he orchestrated that little stunt earlier.”

Sakura blushed despite herself. “Yeah.”

Ino kicked her legs up slowly, shifted, and lowered them to the ground. In one long fluid motion she rose to her feet and moved towards Sakura.

“I’ll be generous and assume that he had to persuade you to assist.” She said, still with that tiny smirk.

“Uh, yeah.” Sakura said. It was hard to think of anything else to say when the memory of the morning was burning on her face and the picture of Ino in front of her, moving like a panther in her cropped vest and skirt, was burning somewhere deeper.

Ino giggled, but it was a tight and controlled sound, like she’d practiced it a thousand times until it was as precise as her aim with a kunai. She stepped into Sakura’s personal space, and Sakura took a step back by instinct. Step by step Ino led her like that until her back hit the wall.

“Naruto must have been pretty desperate to resort to something like that.” Ino purred.

Then Ino pressed her chest to Sakura’s and leaned in. Their lips barely touched and Sakura couldn’t breathe.

Ino pulled back with a smile. “Don’t be too embarrassed. I promise not to tell anyone.” She leaned back in, but this time she pressed their cheeks together and brushed her lips to Sakura’s ear. “Not yet, anyway. What sort of kunoichi would I be if I threw away my leverage too soon?”

Sakura let out an uncontrollable growl and snatched Ino by the shoulders. She spun them around and shoved Ino against the wall, trapping her with her bulkier frame.

“Shut up.” Sakura grunted. “You’re worse than Naruto.”

Ino smiled like a cat that had captured a particularly delicious mouse. “I wonder which one of us is the better kisser?”

Sakura’s last coherent thought of the night was that she’d have to remember to thank Naruto in the morning. He was a genius.


End file.
